one year ago today:

i read this in my journal and realized it was dated exactly a year ago today, so i thought i'd share:

June 30, 2007

I love to watch the sky at dusk, or dawn, for that matter, when the sky's so many varieties of hues and shades.  Tonight it is a brilliant orange, but only in a small portion of the sky.  It streaks across the horizon with vibrance, leaving the rest of the sky a mournful dark blue, which has it's own beauty, just a different kind.  "Oh, Daddy, Your world is so much bigger than me and my small desires," I thought and suddenly had the urge to cry.  I like it when I have the ability to cry or even just the emotion to.  It shows a sense of tenderness.  I have gone through times in my life when I never cried and almost always it was a season of selfishness, or the beginnings of a hard heart.  So these times of sudden impulse, when my heart feels on the verge of breaking, are times I cherish.  It's in these times my Savior feels so close I could reach out and touch Him, throw my arms around Him and bury my tear stained face in His chest.  Tonight, for this short moment I felt all of this.  Me heart cried out to Jesus, "sometimes I feel so insignificant!"  But I know that though I am small, and though I sometimes feel obsolete, He has made it possible for me to do great things.  Only in Him can I find true worth.  Only in Him am I worthy of anything good, in this lifetime or the next.

okay, so i get a little wordy and emotional when i journal, but all the same, as i read this it made me not quite so ashamed of how emotional i've been lately(that's right i'm still fighting the ukrainian blues!).  in fact in made me cherish it, which is a nice turn of events.  

why it's cooler to post from ukraine

so i'm here on my last day in the great HARKOV, or KAPKXIV, or KHARKOV, or XAPKOB, XAPKIB... 

actually i'm not entirely sure any of those are right (mom this is your que to correct me),  but needless to say there are a plethora of spellings for this city.

anyhow, i just got onto blogger.blogspot and all the little words along the top, like 'sign in' or 'sign out' if you're logged in, were in ukrainian.  cool beans!  now i'm logged in so it's back to boring english, but man i was living for the 15 seconds it took me to find the right word for 'sign in.'

i like ukraine.  in case anyone out there is wondering...it's true.  every year i come here.  every year i fall in love all over again with the kids and the staff.  every year it is harder and harder for me to go back home.

when saying goodbye to the kids today it was the typical hugs and kisses and fighting back tears.  this to which i was successful until i finished hugging nastia and realized she was bawling.  then i couldn't help it.  but when vanya came up and scolded me for crying i professed that i was done and wouldn't cry anymore.  and i didn't...until i got into my hotel room.  abby, my roomie for the week, was in the shower and i was curled up on my bed sobbing like a baby.

the truth is that a big part of my heart is here and when i have to leave, it just kind of hurts a little(or a lot), because i have to leave a part of me behind.

okay, enough feeling sorry for myself.  instead i'm going to tell you a funny little story that just popped into my head right now and made me smile(which is really great considering how depressed i'm feeling).

so we were all at the transition home (roughly, it's the really nice home for good kids who have graduated from the orphanage.  this way they don't have to live in the horrible dorms) yesterday and sveta (my little sis for the past 4 years) took me up to her bedroom to paint my nails. (just wait, it gets girlier)  pretty soon galya (her sister) and natasha (her friend) come up and together we went through sveta's perfume and clothes(she made this adorable little jacket that i totally want).  

sveta pulled out a picture of a kitten and i said it was "cute".  then i taught them how children are cute and women are beautiful, and when they asked me what a good looking man would be called i said cute, too.  they seemed really confused so i said the most suggestive ca-u-ute i could and they all giggled which made me think they understood.  either that or they thought i was mentally handicapped.  i never can quite tell...(refer to earlier post)

so then they broke out a picture of all the boys in their church and told me who each of them liked (well, natasha told me who galya liked and galya told me who sveta and natasha liked and each girl giggled and tried to deny their crush but, of course, were not at all convincing)  then they asked me which boys i thought were cute and i proceeded to point to each of their crushes.  i figured it was safest.

they also asked me if i liked any boy and i said 'no' and they wouldn't believe me.  so i said, "there are boys i think are cute, but i don't like them" and galya, who speaks the best english of the three stroked my hair and said, "i understand" and then i said "but i'm happy" and galya (continuing to stroke my hair, i think because it was straightened and she really like it that way) said "ya tosha" which means 'me too.'

(now this was the fun part)

then i said, "men...who needs 'em?"

this really confused them, so i said it slower and with slightly different words and they all laughed and said "da!" (yes) and then i shouted out "girl power!" and they all laughed and whooped in agreement!

so later that night we were eating at mcdonalds (i know, not terribly authentic) and sveta said, "bathroom? ...you come?" to me and i was like, "tee hatchesh?" (basically 'do you want me to?') to which she promptly said "okay, let's go." 

from all of this i have concluded one very important fact...girls speak a universal language...whether it's painting nails, talking about cute boys, boy bashing, or even going to the bathroom together...we can all still relate to each other...maybe not as ukrainians or americans...but as girls.

why having an english accent is better than not

so i was watching my new favorite show, 'arrested development,' the one where michael almost marries a mentally retarded girl, and doesn't know she's handicapped because it's masked by her english accent...yeah...i know...it's great. well, after he finds out, he of course has to call off the wedding and she tries to persuade him to stay by saying(remember to read this with an accent cause it makes it much better) :

"but maybe you're not smart, too, and you just don't know it yet. i didn't know i wasn't smart until they told me."

this got me thinking, maybe i'm not smart and i just don't know it! i mean there has definitely been times that i've wondered: like the time i got a tambourine stuck around my waste - definitely not my most intelligent moment. or the time i was driving and couldn't remember what road i was on. seriously, i was driving from mom and dad's to bloomington and couldn't remember if i had taken 29 or lake bloomington rd. it was horribly confusing, but thankfully after about a minute i gathered my surroundings due to some familiar landmarks. wierd, right?

plus i've always gotten along really well with my neices and nephews who are all 5 and under. i always like to think it's because i'm a cool aunt, but what if i'm just at their mental level, allowing us to connect socially? ...although, there was one time when paige asked me to tell her something she didn't know and i was able to do that, but i only could come up with about 2 things.

hmmm, my grandpa always says, 'assume the best until told otherwise.' so i guess i'll just have to assume i'm okay, and hopefully no one will ever tell me otherwise.

keep your fingers crossed!